“I’d love to write a lengthy review of the first couple of hours that I spent with you, but really, I don’t have much to say here – besides the fact that this was as perfect as it can be!The walk in the woods was an ideal way to convey a free, yet intimate, atmosphere. I don’t believe that I hold any deeply buried trauma, but still, I can definitely see the usefulness of such a slow-paced discussion! Back to your house, I must admit that I was a bit surprised to enter a regular family house, with bicycles in the garage, cat trees in the living room, etc. (yeah… beforehand, I was kinda picturing your place as small hut in the woods with shamanic utensils, flasks and artifacts hanging around. Silly, I know!). Any case, your place is lovely! It feels warm and cozy. Very safe indeed. Also, meeting the toads was very cool and quite unique! Even if we didn’t had much time because of my early departure, it was enough to build trust and confidence. From the very beginning, I knew that you where honest and responsible.
The trip: I was finally there, sitting in a unknown living room, in a country whose language I don’t even speak a word, about to fill my lungs with some poisonous toad slime. The stress was starting to build up. I knew that I was going to face some serious shit, but I only started to realize it now. False start. My belly was tight, my breath was short. We had to go for the vap. At this point I didn’t care much. Actually, it even gave me some more minutes to calm down. “Are you ready?” – “Yes”. I was not. But can you really be? You paused the music. I started to inhale. OK, now it’s done. I’ve made a choice, there’s no going back. I lied on the mat, still holding on the smoke. Oh wait, I forgot to ask him: “Should I release it nowwwwwwwwwwwww-“. Blank. No sound, no color, no touch, no feeling, no thought. The world had melted away and my corpse had vaporized. I could not feel my body, nor did I remember the distant feeling of being human. “Man, can a chemical even do that?”. I started to hear these typical insect/tribal DMT-like whispers as I plunged into oblivion. There was no visual, no crazy effects, no hallucination of any sort. I was still in the process of falling onto the mat. And still, and still, and still, and still, and still, and still, and still, and still, and still, and still, and still, and still, and still, and still. Always closer, but never really there. “This is it, I’m dying”. Foolish me. If only it could be so easy. Existence was overwhelming, shocking, too abstract, too real. I couldn’t handle it… but then arose the most frightening realization I’ve ever had: I couldn’t let go either. Death was not an option, because I invented it. I was already gone. There was nowhere else to go. This was all there is. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t laugh, I couldn’t hate, I couldn’t love, I couldn’t be, I couldn’t stop being. I couldn’t anything; nor did I could nothing. This is so terrifying, so petrifying. So dreadfully gorgeous. Heaven was hell and hell was heaven. Because infinite suffering equals infinite pleasure. I felt like I was sitting in a roller-coaster which would rip through all possible existence and non-existence in a split second. Then repeat twice faster. And twice faster. And twice faster. And twice. And twice. Twice. Twice. Twice. Twice-Twice-Twice-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T. Immediately, I would go through everything in zero time. Through none for eternity. It seemed like the whole universe was aware of the cosmic joke from the very beginning of time, only waiting for me to wake up and join it. “Just breathhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeee”. I heard the words but they had no meaning, and I can only reconstruct them now, in retrospect. I wanted to take in some air, but each breathing would suck the universe into itself and keep filling me for ever. Each fluctuation of my awareness would ripple into an infinite fractal of resonances. OK, I’ve seen it. How do I go back? Stop! “Help!” No, that’s silly. I want to stay. Wait. I don’t know. I just- (At this point, I suspect that I was starting to come back down, as I intuitively used an English word) Goddamnit, I have a head! I totally forgot that I could have a head. I can tilt it to the left. I can see a human face. And I can assign this face to someone I know. And I can think about myself thinking. “Wow, that was…”. Look, I can even talk! How I am supposed to do it already? I felt great. I remember hearing you chewing a gum. It was quite funny (“I have just been sliced into a trillion pieces and scattered through hyper-spacetime, and this dude was sitting here all the time, chewing a gum as if nothing happened”).
Now, these are just words. As you know, there is no way to really convey this type of experience with speech. Plus, I had read so much about the substance in the past that I cannot really tell how much of this story stems from my genuine experience vs. how much of it has been recreated by my mind post-integration. Overall, it went quite fast. The whole trip felts like 3-4 minutes long, so I may have forgotten some parts. The second 10mg trip felt even shorter: like 30 seconds. I don’t recall much of it, besides the fact that I didn’t fully leave my body (cause I could still feel my hands and face the whole time). But it’s possible that both trips got somewhat mixed up in my head. I don’t really think I was nowhere near “awakening” or full non-duality experience, but I was not expecting that from a first try anyway. I’m happy with what I had!
The aftermath: Iwas so glad to eat something! The euphoric feeling was still present and I realized the value of the small pleasures of material life – like eating a salad! Honestly, the best I’ve ever tasted. The following night, I listened to the playlist you sent me while going to bed. I could close my eyes and actually feel recollections of the trips! What difference will it make in my life? Not sure about this. I’m the kind of guy who collects a lot of data and experiences before changing his worldview. There are very few things that can induce, by themselves alone, a radical shift in my perspective. But still, this experience will be significant. I’m also eager to see the effect it has on my shroom trips. Will I do it again some time in the future? Definitely, if I have the chance. Next time though, I may possibly go the HCL way, because smoking is so quick and intense that it’s overwhelming. I expect that snorting would leave me a bit more time to calm down and fully experience the void. But it will be for another time. Thank you again for everything. I’m so grateful of how simple it was to get in touch with you. You can be proud to fulfill this mission of great value for humanity.”
C.G. (private Toad 1:1 September 2017)
“A day with Olli & 5MEO
I wanted to write a few words about the beautiful 1 on 1 experience I had with Olli and 5MEO. The journey was incredible and I am delighted that Olli was there to chaperone me from beginning to end. Olli is the real deal, he is full of love and is genuine with his desire to ensure that your time with him is safe, grounded and amazing.
He took time during a long walk in the forest near his home to get to know me and my story, and he told me all about himself and his background and how he reached his point in life. The walk was a real ice breaker and I got to know Olli and felt safe with him and his experience in his role.
He made me feel completely relaxed. I even had the pleasure to meet his 8 toads which was uber cool, he loves those animals and he treats them like royalty. The 5MEO experience was mind blowing for me, I won’t go into the details of the trip as there are dozens of stories on the internet describing peoples journeys on 5MEO.
My point of writing this is to tell you that I would wholeheartedly recommend Olli. My experience was utterly incredible and I will forever remember Olli”s love, wisdom and assistance.”
C.W. (private TOAD 1:1, April 2017)
“I did a private session together with a close friend. The day starts with a relaxing walk in the forest, where you get to know and trust each other. After that there was a wonderful TOAD session in the nice atmosphere of his private home. If you are looking for the life changing, sacred experiences offered Olli is the person to go to. His loving energy will help you to have a safe and profound experience.“
A. (private Toad 1:1/1:2 February 2017)
“Truly an amazing weekend, beautiful house in nature, wholesome food and great people. It was personally a difficult experience that opened the door to love, connectedness and serenity. Ollie and Jeroen are both passionate and compassionate, full of love. A big thanks to both of them for guiding me through the experience and making it possible”
M.S. (June Weekend 2016)
“I’m writing this testimonial few months after having 1:1 Bufo session with Oliver.
Bufo was truly amazing, inner peace beyond boundaries. Which is not to say it was all easy experience, but one of the most healing ones for me. And Oliver helped me to understand something important on my path. Many thanks for helping me experience and grow. 🙂
See you some day with Psilohuasca. Much love and joy of being! Sharing the blessings. :)”
S.K. private 1:1 Toad session
“After inhaling there was a total tsunami taking me over. And then I needed help, because fear in rawest form showed itself. You gave me total support and love, Olli, which really helped to dissolve the fear, to consume it and move on – to love. The lesson was priceless and works through in daily life – which is the greatest gift of all. Thanks Toad, thanks Olli!”
R.B. private Toad session, June 2015
This was a uniquely profound experience, but I do not interpret it. I am not trying really. Sometimes in the past messages have been very clearly associated with a particular experience, but this one was not like that, or so far has not been.
I could say that I have more visions, lucid dreams and generally more of a meditative state since last week, but it is not really a conclusion. Anyway, none of this matters, since I am sure of one thing and that is that all is and will be fine. There is no problem to be solved, but there is a very interesting and nice game to be played, and I am enjoying it. I am not attached to outcome and I do not know the outcome, but I know the quality that it has, what it feels like, what is possible and what is not possible, and certainly I am stronger now in this knowledge. It means I can unlearn the manifestation into my life of the fruits of fear and allow source to do its work. Some part must always remain mystery.
S. – private Toad session March 2015
Toad, 5-MeO, other medicines/sacraments, meditation, zen, reiki, yoga, playing music or spending time deep in nature: in my own experience, all these things seem to point toward some fundamental energy or consciousness that our individual human experience arises out of. What some people call God, I suppose. I think all are valid ways to experience this state of being, they just vary in intensity level, and have different “ways in”. Different door, maybe even different room, but same house.
The toad and especially the 5MeO sent me crashing through the front door quicker than I ever imagined. A surge of physical and mental energy, a rapid dissolving of any sense of being an individual into an infinitely expanding/contracting, multiplying/condensing hurricane of energy that was everything and nothing at once, then a deeper, even more vast emptiness, which I can’t even be sure I really even experienced, because there is no way to describe it now, or even recall it, exactly. Then a slow return to the experience of being an individual, where along the way I was filled with as much awe as joy, where my ability to relax and trust was deeply challenged, and then rewarded with an incredible process of catharsis. Ultimately, I felt like “myself” again, everything was the same. And also, everything had changed.
As I write to you again to update this testimony 5 weeks later, I can tell you that the specific memories of the toad/5MeO experiences themselves have continued to fade, like a dream, but the benefits remain. For instance, I have found a general boost in my motivation to “get on with it”, to begin taking some real action toward accomplishing all the things I want to do with my life.
There is also a deeper sense of appreciation for the myriad joys and even sorrows from day to day: nature, friends, moments of relaxation, and yes, even work!
And something I didn’t expect is that I no longer crave sugar the way I used to. I have had an uncontrollable sugar addiction since I was a child, which led to a few health issues, but now I am much better able to mediate my sugar intake, and I simply don’t get the physical and mental cravings that I used to, though I know it’s up to me now to maintain that, not the medicine.
Lastly, the lingering sense of openness and calm helped me re-establish a daily meditation practice, which I have maintained, and this has proved one of the most practical benefits of our sessions. I think sacrament work can deeply expand one’s sense of self and sense of what’s possible, while also challenging you, like an ironman triathlon. But something regular, like meditation, is like the daily exercise that helps keep that expanded sense of self in good working order, so you can maintain the benefits throughout your entire life. I thank the sacraments for taking the blinders off. Now it’s up to me to see what I can do with it all.
With love and thanks and a long hug
J.G. – private Toad session January 2015
It was a great pleasure to meet! thank you so much for your hospitality and helping me with the journey. I can assure you I gained more then I came for and took away some valuable lessons for which i am grateful to you. We shall certainly stay connected and I am sure you will see me again.
M. L. private 1:1 Toad session November 2014
Did the Toad touch me? Or was I touched by the Toad? Probably we blended together as One? Reality? A mystery………
Thank you Olli and the Toads for so lovingly initiating me in to the wondrous existence. What a perfect way for us that can’t take a whole weekend off to experience the sacrament. Just as wondrous is how something that takes you so far then let you within an hour return fully to this material plane.
Thanks you Toads, thank you Olli!.
PS A lovely comeback to medicine transcendence after my 6 year break.
– E. T. private toad session September 2014
Toad is my friend. I had some suppressed anger and rage from abuse as an infant. I had done clearings before the retreat to give my Self permission to release it. As we sat in the room in a circle, each person took turns. As I watched everyone it was a very short but powerful experience.
My turn came and with only one puff, I went immediately into that place as an infant and let out the rage and anger towards my Dad and suddenly I was in bliss. I was in my Divine Feminine and I was experiencing my Self for the very first time without that hidden anger. Since then I have not seen it show up. Mind you I had cleared it first and given my Self permission to release it.
It was very short and a wonderful experience. I just wanted to stay in that bliss. Hugs and kisses to all those in the room for loving me through that!
– S. L. ( July weekend 2014)
Experiencing the toad was absolutely overwhelming. Stronger and maybe also a little more jolted than my previous experiences I can only say it was the presence of pure love. A beautiful journey with our little spiritual heart-family once again. As always Olli and Jeroen were there for us, all the way. Thank you again so much, both of you!
– C. F. (Mai weekend 2014)
“The love of the Toad –
How a lethal venom can bring you to heaven and back in a gentle and loving way. Smoking the toad’s venom gave me an instant feeling of bliss. I feel that this medicine is so powerful that it doesn’t even matter if you suffer from any fear before taking it. It manages to instantly switch off the ego and to cast the consciousness out of the materialistic realm. There is no way of fighting it, so there is no reason to be afraid of it. But all this is just my rational interpretation of what happened.. What I can remember is the following:
• The image of a slow turning wheel that consists out of four parts: a round center surrounded by three segments..
• Consciousness without a sense of self..
• A strong and warm feeling of love, and a feeling of touching the divine..
• A strong feeling of trust, like “All is fine” accompanied with a white light
• A message like “Be patient, move slowly, but keep moving”
Anyway, the experience is very precious to me. It’s almost two weeks later and I still feel a release of anxiety. One thing I know for sure, It made me a more peaceful being!”
– D. V. (January weekend 2014)
There we go again!! A dive into the unknown. A peak around the corner ! We have gathered in this cosy country house in the south of Holland. Staying here for two nights! We are with 15 people. Some familiar but most of them are new. New to me and new to the ceremony and the sacrament.
Arriving quite late. I felt like, I did not make enough time to connect. The group was very diverse and time was short. But we did connect through the heart, which is more important! Warm hugs, open faces ! All beautiful, loving people!!
It’s Friday-night close to eight. The living room has been made ready for the occasion. The lights turned off. There’s a wood-fire going together with some tea-lights. The lights of the flames make the ceremonial-space come alive. The room is playfully decorated with wall hangings, crystals. Several kinds of toads. A Buddha of course! And mushroom statuettes of all sorts. A couple of mattresses in the centre of the room. Brian Eno’s music is filling the air. Was he already playing or do I only notice it now? He fills the air with a deep expectation. The reality of the moment is suddenly right in front of me but in a playable form. There is fear…. but I know how to overcome the fear and… how to jump!
My hands are sweating. I feel shivers down my legs. A knot around my stomach. I’m sure. I am not the only one, going through some uncertainties, anxieties and fear. Can anyone really know why we do the things we do? [ Do I want to be saved? ] Smoking toad and eating mushrooms! The psychedelic journey is everything but easy! Sometimes you have to face your darkest demons. Sometimes you end up in heaven. I have seen both sides. And these experiences filled me with awe and with great respect and gratefulness. They taught me a lot about the two different forces inside you and me. And inside everything else ; Ego and Soul !
Ego is focused on matter and the physical body. Ego is the physical worlds defence/ survival meganism. It trys to hold on to what it has/knows. Holding on doesn’t work. It only creates judgement and fear! So different from the soul or however you like to call it. The soul wants to let go. Bringing freedom and faith! The two forces are at work inside each of one of us and they express themselves through all our actions. Unfortunately!
I am distracted by external things and stories in my head. Therefore my internal world stays blury, emotionless, speechless, most of the time! But also when I am not in touch with my internal world, the battle inside is going on. The battle between holding on to what we know and surrendering to new possibilities is actually already decided. Because in an ever-changing world. Holding on is foolish and will create conflict on every level. Bad trips included! 15 of these battles! Individually ripened for this occasion. Here we meet! Bodies reacting, hesitating. Minds… all over the place!
We are all silent but there is restlessness in the air. Anticipation on everyone’s face. Along with a great deal of love and compassion and gratefulness towards each other and towards Jeroen & Olli, Our guides and family on this journey! I feel very special and fortunate to be in their presence. They are soo pure!! Olli & Jeroen are still making their first steps in guiding people towards the mind-blowing experience they had themselves! What else can they refer to? Both of them are overflowing with the love and the magic that touched them soooo deep. Lucky us !! Effortless, Choice-less. They pass the sacrament on. The sacrament that will show us that we are always more then we think we are! And it will shine light on the different forces of the internal world. And ultimately the sacrament can make us experience. We are loved !!!
This weekend is not so much about talking or therapy but more about family and direct experience with the different forces of the internal World. Finally J & O are coming in with the first serving of the toad. First comes, first goes! The palms of my hands are sweaty. My fingers have a tight grip on . . . Nothing. I try to relax. Let’s take it easy and remember. We all come back! NO panic ! Other people go before me. Kicking off doesn’t appeal to me, being a first-timer with the toad. Maybe watching the others. While they travel to heaven or to hell, can help me with my own navigation. What I saw helped me to remember; I can be what I feel or I can observe what I feel. The more objective I observe my discomforts, the more I become detached from them and the easier it is to move on. On this psychedelic journey. On any journey ! I
take my place on the mattress. I rearrange the pillows. I put the pipe to my mouth and… lower it again. Body and mind are not working together. To take a courage’s puf… Timing is vital! Already for hours my body is going through all sorts of sensations and irregularities. And my mind is all over the place. Sometimes telling me I’m a hero. Sometimes telling me I’m chasing dragons. I take a few deep breaths. I observe my body. I observe my mind. And I accept their gift! Body and mind obey. Making it possible for me to take a really big puf on the pipe and to leave them behind. In seconds I feel an energizing radiation building up inside my body. It grows and spreads out into my flesh, into my nerves. Slowly the radiation goes up and up. My body is being electrified. My face is glowing, with a tinteling sensation. More and more I become vibration! The slow build-up is very enjoyable. I am riding the kundalini snake. He is very gentle to me! He fills me with vibration. His healing powers! My body responds with relaxation. I feel like a big fish in the ocean. Floating weightlessly, patiently in a big school of tiny little fish who clean me from parasites. The healing powers of the finer vibrations become more and more obvious to me. And I’m filled with gratitude being touched soo deep. A tear comes up in my eyes. A token of my love. My love for this snake! Its no mistake. He liberates! In my minds eye visions start to appear. Colourful aura fields. I see faces. More snakes, flowers. But the visions are weak and not interesting, yet! So I open my eyes and notice a glowing, shining mist hanging in the room. I focus my eyes on the mist, to realise it’s more like a grid, a network! And right in front of my eyes it came alive, alive with vibration. And the vibration was adding collour, depth and new dimensions. The same vibrations I feel searching through my weightless body. I close my eyes again. Sinking deeper and deeper into bliss. The visuals are more clear with my eyes closed. Visions of spirals, colours, twirling mandalas, vibrations. Mixed with random images from everyday life. And again. . . the grid ! And again the grid came alive and started to vibrate and move. Creating multi-dimensional geometrical shapes. Continuously moving, spiralling, throbbing, pulsating. I’m being carried on the finest vibrations. They touch me in every cell and every atom. What a massage! Did I ever feel better? I see the image of a wild river. A river of rainbows. Colours running like crazy. I was swapped of my feet and landed softly in the river. For a moment I was afraid of rocks but soon realised there was none. Joyfully I went along, I was carried gently on the tip of the waves. Sometimes the river would turn ugly. Full of worms, scorpions, broken glass. Little tests on the way. I feel great so they become no distraction. How I feel is more important then What I see! I am observing myself playing in the river. At the same time I observe the grid, the network! How it’s forming geometrical shapes out of nowhere. Like pulses. Pulsating with life force. While I’m carried lightly on the waves. One large geometrical shape starts to shine from its core. A beautiful white/yellowish light and visions of fields and mountains with open blue skies. I was looking at the ceiling of a mosque and a cathedral. Beautifully decorated. Demons and saints. But with roofs wide-open and blue sky above! The cathedral turned into an enormous treasure. Gold, diamonds and crystals. Shining bright. And filling the whole of the geometrical shape. The image of the treasure is changing from gold, diamonds and crystals to pure white light to golden coins and back. It seemed like the rainbow-river was absorbed by the light of the treasure. And I went with it. Carried swiftly on the waves and thrown gently into the treasure. For a beautiful moment I felt like Donald Duck’s rich uncle. Swimming in his money. Then the light took over. I saw light. I felt it all around me and inside of me. It’s vibration. I’m vibration! I’m touched soo deep. It’s like an orgasm on cellular and spiritual level. For this occasion the mental level is not of much use. It feels to me that the mind for most of it is absorbed by the senses, which are mostly focused on survival and moving around in the “normal world”. With my awareness or the observer inside of me. I can investigate and navigate my mind (like preparing a bungee-jump). I can overcome all fears. But even the observer becomes sort of detached when the final stage is entered. The stage of pure being. Pure love. Pure life force. Pure beauty. Here all my bodies are being held through the vitalizing vibrations that I have connected with on this mind-blowing journey! Being in this place feels like the ultimate home. Deep inside my mother. My deepest desire fulfilled! Her touch, her love, her warmth. I feel full of life and save. I shine! I’m receiving her gift. Her gift is faith !!! The gift of faith has always been difficult to accept. While it has always been an every-day lesson. I fight it in many ways. My mind is corrupting faith so often. My body reacting with fear. How did I ever ask for this gift? How could I know?! Did the snake know? No attachments to the body! Not to the ego and not to the mind. I am nowhere. I am here. I’m everywhere! I am receiving her gift with arms wide open. Her gift of faith. Just FAITH!! Because I remember I’m loved. The Dutch word for faith is: vertrouwen ver = far; trouwen = marriage. A far marriage! Some people call this a sacred marriage; A direct experience with the not yet known living force behind this illusionary spectacle!!!
– D.B. (September weekend 2014)